I want to say it so badly. I've been there for a couple weeks now. (Wow, only a couple of weeks? It feels like forever.) It's in my head all the time. Every time we talk, my brain just keeps saying "I love you. I love you. I love you." over. and over. and over. When we say goodnight, it just seems like such a natural thing to want to throw that in there. "good night. love you."
But I am so scared. so. scared.
I don't think I've ever been this scared of love. I was always eager to jump in and let myself feel all the feels. If I felt it, I said it. Not a care in the world.
But this time is different somehow.
I think I've become more jaded over the years, and have been burned by bad experiences to the point that I'm so much more cautious now. The two times in the memorable past that I've told someone I love them for the first time, it wasn't reciprocated at first. That shit stings.
In the most simple terms, I really want someone to say it to me first, for once.
Tho that has become less important to me as time has gone on. Now, I feel more like I don't necessarily mind saying it first, as long as it gets said back to me. But, of course, there are no guarantees of that.
It shouldn't be that big of a deal if he doesn't say it back at first. The last two times, even tho they didn't say it back the first time, they did say it eventually. (tho in the second case, it would have been better if he hadn't... but that's another story.) So, odds are, it would work out eventually.
But it feels different this time.
Guy #1 was my first boyfriend after starting to practice the poly lifestyle. I was so in love with being in love again... I said it early. Really early. So I hadn't entirely been expecting him to say it back, and felt ok that he didn't right away. The second time I said it, he did say it back. And all was well. I knew I was saying it early, and was caught up in my feelings, but I didn't care and said it anyways.
Guy #2 I wasn't even in a relationship with. I had fallen in love with my best friend, and after much debate on if I should say anything, finally told him. So that's a completely different situation altogether.
So I'm kind of used to it not being said back to me... because i tend to fall hard and fall quickly, and it can take time for the other person to catch up to me.
But this time, the idea of not hearing it back terrifies me. Because I think I'll be devastated. If I had jumped the gun and said it several weeks ago when I recognized it was happening, but didn't think I was quite there yet, it would have been expected to not hear it back. But since I've been reasonable about it, and not only made sure the feelings were true, but even given it some time beyond that, I guess I feel that he should have had time to have gotten there as well. I'm about to burst at the seems feeling all of these feelings and not fulling letting them out. If he's not feeling the same way, that sucks.
I guess there's a couple reasons why I'm so worried he wouldn't reciprocate. 1. is that he's newish to being poly. so I'm not sure how he feels about telling someone besides his wife that he loves them (for possibly the first time.) 2. he plays his feelings really cool. not in a cold, dickish way at all. he's just not super mushy or anything. so it can be hard to read him to feel out if he's in the same place that I am. he's honest about his feelings, and does talk to me about them (thank god). but until he actually says something, it's hard to have an idea of where he's at. which is why I have no idea if he's thinking the same L-word thoughts that I am.
I feel so ridiculous about all of this. Like I'm a 16 year old girl, and not a grown ass woman.
