Scared of the L Wod.

I want to say it so badly.  I've been there for a couple weeks now.  (Wow, only a couple of weeks?  It feels like forever.)  It's in my head all the time.  Every time we talk, my brain just keeps saying "I love you.  I love you.  I love you." over.  and over.  and over.  When we say goodnight, it just seems like such a natural thing to want to throw that in there.  "good night.  love you."

But I am so scared.  so.  scared. 

I don't think I've ever been this scared of love.  I was always eager to jump in and let myself feel all the feels.  If I felt it, I said it.  Not a care in the world.

But this time is different somehow.

I think I've become more jaded over the years, and have been burned by bad experiences to the point that I'm so much more cautious now.  The two times in the memorable past that I've told someone I love them for the first time, it wasn't reciprocated at first.  That shit stings.

In the most simple terms, I really want someone to say it to me first, for once.

Tho that has become less important to me as time has gone on.  Now, I feel more like I don't necessarily mind saying it first, as long as it gets said back to me.  But, of course, there are no guarantees of that.

It shouldn't be that big of a deal if he doesn't say it back at first.  The last two times, even tho they didn't say it back the first time, they did say it eventually. (tho in the second case, it would have been better if he hadn't... but that's another story.)  So, odds are, it would work out eventually.

But it feels different this time.

Guy #1 was my first boyfriend after starting to practice the poly lifestyle.  I was so in love with being in love again... I said it early.  Really early.  So I hadn't entirely been expecting him to say it back, and felt ok that he didn't right away.  The second time I said it, he did say it back.  And all was well.  I knew I was saying it early, and was caught up in my feelings, but I didn't care and said it anyways.

Guy #2 I wasn't even in a relationship with.  I had fallen in love with my best friend, and after much debate on if I should say anything, finally told him.  So that's a completely different situation altogether.

So I'm kind of used to it not being said back to me... because i tend to fall hard and fall quickly, and it can take time for the other person to catch up to me.

But this time, the idea of not hearing it back terrifies me.  Because I think I'll be devastated.  If I had jumped the gun and said it several weeks ago when I recognized it was happening, but didn't think I was quite there yet, it would have been expected to not hear it back.  But since I've been reasonable about it, and not only made sure the feelings were true, but even given it some time beyond that, I guess I feel that he should have had time to have gotten there as well.  I'm about to burst at the seems feeling all of these feelings and not fulling letting them out.  If he's not feeling the same way, that sucks.

I guess there's a couple reasons why I'm so worried he wouldn't reciprocate.  1. is that he's newish to being poly.  so I'm not sure how he feels about telling someone besides his wife that he loves them (for possibly the first time.)  2. he plays his feelings really cool.  not in a cold, dickish way at all.  he's just not super mushy or anything.  so it can be hard to read him to feel out if he's in the same place that I am.  he's honest about his feelings, and does talk to me about them (thank god). but until he actually says something, it's hard to have an idea of where he's at.  which is why I have no idea if he's thinking the same L-word thoughts that I am.

I feel so ridiculous about all of this.  Like I'm a 16 year old girl, and not a grown ass woman.

Survey says... it's probably the L word.

It's been nearly 2 months since Mr. Mustache and I had that famous brunch.  Some thing that have occurred in the time since...

Brunch with the spouses so everyone can meet.  We all got on quite well, and I'd say we are all friends now.

Mr. Muchstache attends party at my house.  Night progresses adorably from complete awkwardness, to many snuggles, to other fun.

A few other dates, including a night alone in my house (which is a rare thing.)

A decent amount of texting and messaging.

Many, many feels, which we have done a decent job expressing to each other, and all seem to be mutual.

But my feels are getting a little intense and scary.  Not that I've ever been scared by feels in general.  But I'm a little terrified of being too intense too soon, and freaking the dude out.

It didn't take long for me to know the feels were significant.  A strong connection and sense of "like" unlike anything i've experienced since meeting the hubbs, i think.  Different somehow from my last boyfriend.

I've done pretty well at not getting overwhelmed, not moving too quickly, not putting labels on things, just letting things develop naturally.

Several times during this time, I have stopped and recognized that I felt myself falling for him.  I knew that I didn't love him yet, but could tell that if things kept moving down the path they were one, that it was going to happen.  Every time I've been in love, it's felt something like this.  I just wasn't there yet.

A few days ago, I realized I had gotten there.  Feeling like crying when you have to say goodnight and leave after a date, because you never seem to get enough time together and you miss him like crazy when you are apart... it was the clincher for me.

So there I am.  The L word.  I feel it, I'm there.  But I am terrified to admit it.  I won't say it out loud or write it.

I don't know why it scares me so much.  Mostly that it might not be mutual, I guess.  Possibly that I worry if he finds out, it'll freak him out and scare him away.

I might be a little traumatized from the last couple times I fell in love.  I am the kind of person who like to talk about things when they happen.  I am terrible at not sharing my feelings with people.  So when I fall in love, I tell the person.  And the last 2 times, it wasn't reciprocated right away.  It was eventually, but still.  It's fairly traumatizing to tell someone that you love them, and they won't say it back to you.

I don't know that I can handle that happening again.  Especially with this person, who means more to me than anyone has in a long time.  I am determine that this time, I am going to let the other person say it first.  But then, you know, you worry maybe he'll never say it.

The phrase goes through my head every time I think about it.  It's right there, waiting to come out.  I want to tell him.  I want him to know how important he is.  But since I do care so much about him, I don't want to make him feel obligated to feel something if he's not there yet, or feel uncomfortable at all.

It's weird how things are a lot different this time than they were in my last relationship.  I was quick to slap a label on that one.  I was in love with being in love again, possibly more than I was with the actual person (only to be realized much later).  I was sappy and mushy and super cheesy with him.

This time, I'm really struggling to do that.  And I think it's because of the powerful connection i feel with this person.  Like, I feel that what's happening is beyond stupid pet names and empty mushy bullshit.  That's too fake, and forced, and I want our connection to continue to be natural.

But that also means it's hard for me to relay how strongly I feel without just repeating "i really like you." over and over.

The new guy.

I messaged him a couple weeks ago or so on OKC.  He's married to a girl that I know (not well, but know), and we seemed to have a lot in common (plus he's got the cutest handlebar mustache)... so I figured we should be friends, right?

We chatted a little... and he asked me to get together for drinks or something.  Since he's local, might as well get to know him better in person.  So we review our schedules and decide upon brunch, which happened yesterday.

I went into it with zero expectations.  I was hoping for a new friend, not really more than that.  And I wasn't going to be too disappointed if that didn't even work out.

Brunch turned into nearly 4 1/2 hours of non-stop talking.  Eventually we figured we'd give the waitress back her table, so we walked around for awhile.  Then we got back to my car, and stood around for awhile longer.

I don't even know the last time I had such good conversation with someone new.  I'm not sure that I've ever been able to talk for 4 1/2 hours, with no real breaks for awkwardness.  The way we moved seamlessly from one topic to another was pretty impressive.  We talked about everything from movies and TV to the social constructs of monogamy and the patriarchy.

Time flew.  I swore it was only 1:00, only to learn it was 2:00, and I had completely missed a company picnic at which I had intended to make an appearance.  Not that I was disappointed.

So, the whole time we were talking, I was trying to gauge in my head how I was feeling about everything.  I was REALLY enjoying the conversation, but I wasn't sure if that was translating into attraction or not.  I've had so much going on lately that takes most of my attention/energy, I just haven't had much left for romance.  So it's something that just doesn't occur to me all that often anymore.

But then we said goodbye.  We kind of simultaneously offered up hugs.  Now, I love hugs... but they have a tendency to be awkward, in my experience.  So I was expecting the awkward kind of hug you give someone you don't know that well, and then we'd part ways.

But shit, that hug was amazing.  Firm and friendly, like we'd hugged each other a hundred times before.  It sounds strange to talk about a hug this way.  I can't entirely describe how it was different from your average everyday hug, but it was.

And then... he kissed me on the cheek.  Probably the most adorable way that anyone has ever said goodbye to me.  And what a perfect way to let a girl know that you like her, without being too forward and creepy about it.

So with that hug and that kiss on the cheek, I knew I was in trouble.  It's like, with our conversation, there was definitely a click.  We hit it off right away, for sure.  But with a little physical contact, there suddenly was a spark.

I offered up my phone number, and we texted later to confirm that we had a really good time, and would like to do it again.  So here we go, I guess.