Survey says... it's probably the L word.

It's been nearly 2 months since Mr. Mustache and I had that famous brunch.  Some thing that have occurred in the time since...

Brunch with the spouses so everyone can meet.  We all got on quite well, and I'd say we are all friends now.

Mr. Muchstache attends party at my house.  Night progresses adorably from complete awkwardness, to many snuggles, to other fun.

A few other dates, including a night alone in my house (which is a rare thing.)

A decent amount of texting and messaging.

Many, many feels, which we have done a decent job expressing to each other, and all seem to be mutual.

But my feels are getting a little intense and scary.  Not that I've ever been scared by feels in general.  But I'm a little terrified of being too intense too soon, and freaking the dude out.

It didn't take long for me to know the feels were significant.  A strong connection and sense of "like" unlike anything i've experienced since meeting the hubbs, i think.  Different somehow from my last boyfriend.

I've done pretty well at not getting overwhelmed, not moving too quickly, not putting labels on things, just letting things develop naturally.

Several times during this time, I have stopped and recognized that I felt myself falling for him.  I knew that I didn't love him yet, but could tell that if things kept moving down the path they were one, that it was going to happen.  Every time I've been in love, it's felt something like this.  I just wasn't there yet.

A few days ago, I realized I had gotten there.  Feeling like crying when you have to say goodnight and leave after a date, because you never seem to get enough time together and you miss him like crazy when you are apart... it was the clincher for me.

So there I am.  The L word.  I feel it, I'm there.  But I am terrified to admit it.  I won't say it out loud or write it.

I don't know why it scares me so much.  Mostly that it might not be mutual, I guess.  Possibly that I worry if he finds out, it'll freak him out and scare him away.

I might be a little traumatized from the last couple times I fell in love.  I am the kind of person who like to talk about things when they happen.  I am terrible at not sharing my feelings with people.  So when I fall in love, I tell the person.  And the last 2 times, it wasn't reciprocated right away.  It was eventually, but still.  It's fairly traumatizing to tell someone that you love them, and they won't say it back to you.

I don't know that I can handle that happening again.  Especially with this person, who means more to me than anyone has in a long time.  I am determine that this time, I am going to let the other person say it first.  But then, you know, you worry maybe he'll never say it.

The phrase goes through my head every time I think about it.  It's right there, waiting to come out.  I want to tell him.  I want him to know how important he is.  But since I do care so much about him, I don't want to make him feel obligated to feel something if he's not there yet, or feel uncomfortable at all.

It's weird how things are a lot different this time than they were in my last relationship.  I was quick to slap a label on that one.  I was in love with being in love again, possibly more than I was with the actual person (only to be realized much later).  I was sappy and mushy and super cheesy with him.

This time, I'm really struggling to do that.  And I think it's because of the powerful connection i feel with this person.  Like, I feel that what's happening is beyond stupid pet names and empty mushy bullshit.  That's too fake, and forced, and I want our connection to continue to be natural.

But that also means it's hard for me to relay how strongly I feel without just repeating "i really like you." over and over.